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Although my guess hit the mark, when my friend told me his wife was indeed Caucasian, I felt my spirit...wince. African people worldwide are known to be welcoming and open-minded.We share our culture sometimes to our own peril and most of us love the very notion of love.

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But what matters isn't what Scott doesn't know, but what she thinks she does--that he's African People.

As much as my own limitations allow, I sympathize with race and the constructions of beauty standards, just like I sympathize with race and its effects on the justice system.

My position is that for women of color, this very common "wince" has solely to do with the African story in America.

Scott goes on to detail the history of black women, racist degradation, and beauty standards. But I think the key problem here is a common one--a kind of collectivist approach toward something as individual and private as marriage.

They go to bed with someone who does, or doesn't, think it's a bad idea to blow the rent-check on school clothes.

They go to bed with someone who does, or doesn't, think it's a priority to keep the living room clean."Black people" didn't support me while I was trying to make it a writer.An individual, with her own specific hopes, dreams and problems, did those things. But the qualities that allowed her to do those things--compassion, commitment, vision--are not "black" qualities. But we often take this abstract, hazy view of an institution that, like anything else worthwhile, is mostly about dirt, work and tedium.I'm a black dude hooked up with a black woman--but I don't sleep with "black people." "Black people" don't pay half of my rent."Black people" didn't take my son to tennis lessons this week.My new friend is handsome, African-American, intelligent and seemingly wealthy.

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