If you’re ghosted, you get to go through all the stages of grief.But when someone disappears and then continues to text you, you don’t even get that.He’d double-tap weeks-old Instagram posts or ask me to have lunch in Greenpoint in half an hour (which is the grossest nonstarter of an invitation if I’ve ever heard one).
So I would ping him occasionally, just enough to pique his interest and dangle the carrot of a possible relationship without ever actually following through with plans.
To use a sports metaphor (my first ever), he would be on the roster but not in play; I’d decided to bench him.
“Maybe they’ll text them to get a quick ego stroke.
But I think you’d be hard-pressed to find a woman who does this to a new guy she’s ambivalent about seeing.” Conor agrees: “Women, for the most part, still subscribe to the traditional dating idea that if the guy doesn’t reach out, it won’t happen.
If I know that I’m in a position of status because you want me more than I want you, I’ll just keep you dangling. But if we’re to be honest, benching is just the slow kiss-off.
Know that if it’s happening to you, you’re getting dumped, even if the bencher doesn’t know it yet.
No, he corrects me, there is always someone doing the benching and someone being benched. “In a romantic scenario, you’re not going to go along with this unless you want to actually date the bencher. ’ But that’s literally sales 101: Ask questions so the buyer thinks you think they’re interesting.” Some might call it gaslighting, but benchers suffering from nice-guy syndrome may not even be trying to exploit the situation.
If I were to pull this on someone who’s over the idea, he just wouldn’t respond. Conor, a 28-year-old law student in New York, says he’s often ignored advances from females in his life — but will continue to text and “spend time” with them while at school or in the workplace.
Maybe it seems like I just don’t want to be an asshole, but to me it’s just The irony, of course, is that benching, while superficially polite, is far more insidious than simply ghosting or — if you’re old-school — offering an icy brush-off.
“He wants to feel good about himself, so he won’t ghost or break up with you,” Jean says, “but it’s worse than being the asshole.
‘Sure, you’re great, but maybe someone’s better,’” says Billy.