When I’m doing that I’m too hungry, I’m too aggressive, I am too enthusiastically in pursuit of you.And asking me to back off is going to give me the signal and information I’m looking for anyway.We might think we are, we might hit the ground (dating sites) running, for example, but most likely the divorce process, the recovery from divorce, will take a number of years.
I just wasn’t very good at covering up the real emotions that were still wrestling within me. It was actually better for me NOT to get what I wanted. I once floundered in a lopsided dating experience, because I was so damn positive I was going to be able to shift it from the friend-zone to something more intimate. But even the woman mentioned, “You’re one of the most positive people I’ve ever met.” Yeah sure, I thought, just kiss me then. And after a few months, I woke up and smelled the coffee. But when I sense it in someone else now, I put up some more awareness filters and look to see if it’s covering up something that’s deeper and unresolved. We’d not been able to work out the first “hello” date. And all of them about an hour before we were scheduled to meet.
It was necessary for me to spend some time alone, to sort through my regrets and triumphs and decide from a balanced perspective, what I was looking for in “next.” So, maybe by examining and sharing some of the joyful things I look for in a woman, I can better understand my motivations, and you can better understand the male sex impulse that is often troublesome and misguided. She was not ready for any relationship beyond just holding hands and a sweet peck on the lips at the end of a snuggly evening. For me, it wasn’t really about unresolved issues, but I did let a distant dating relationship go on for a long time, thinking my yes-mind was going to convince her to sleep with me. I was accommodating even after the third, “I can’t meet this morning.
When I catch myself listening for overtones and hints, I try to stop. If you’re touch-adverse, I’m guessing you’ll give off these clues fairly quickly. When I was in my early, and very passionate, months of trying to date, I tried to convey my seriousness and earnestness with my dark and smoldering eyes. I was just peering out of very emotional eyes and I wanted you to see and notice how sensitive I was. I’m not sure how well it worked, but it didn’t ever really result in the date I was looking for. When you see an infinite and sensitive soul in your date, you might sit back a bit and see how desperate that searching feeling gets. They are simply how I am in real life, only exaggerated about 10X.
I try to just listen lightly, respond naturally, and just have a conversation. And when I listen hard, like I am a therapist, I am really just trying to get you to love me, or to trust me, or to sleep with me. Being a pussycat, I never pounced with this dark killer instinct, but I knew I was not 100% ready for what I might get had I leapt into the frenzy from this wounded place. I do have deep and sensitive eyes, but I shouldn’t really be lasering you with them on the first date.
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I’m not clear on what exactly that means, and I am clear that I don’t know. Even though she was resetting and I was being accommodating, I was ignoring my own over-accommodating tendencies. So slowing down and paying attention to what the other person is saying, IS important. When the listening is too animated, too connected, you need to gauge whether someone is being attentive for their own needs or as a strategy. I listened to women complain about their marriages. (We’re talking first dates here, so either way it’s OK, but it’s giving me a lot of information.) Do you touch me back? I can tell a lot from a first intentional touch on your shoulder.
But I have figured out some things along the way that are measures of my readiness—or any man’s readiness—for his next intimate relationship. And I realize, just as I’m writing this, that she’s a disaster waiting to happen. I listened to them talk about how great their kids were. So if I go in for the arm brush too early, be aware that I’m feeling you out for your touchy-feely level. Sure, I am illustrating a point, but I’m trying to sense out your touchy-feely scale. Or does touch/hugging/kissing/sex come with deeper reservations? And when I touch you, it IS casual, but I am looking for clues to how you will react later on.
Before that time, I was interested in a relationship, but I was not bringing a full and healthy person to the table, so to speak.
I was showing up, smiling as much as possible, and telling my happy tales, but I wasn’t able to fake it ’til I made it. And while I do profess to have a very positive and happy outlook on life, I know that I can overdo it. “Oh sure, we can reschedule,” I texted her for the third time in a month.
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