Combine this with society’s heteronormativity (the dominance and privileging of heterosexual relationships), and it’s no wonder many people perpetuate the belief that the only real sex trans men can have is by penetrating a vagina, and that our presumed inability to do this (via our lack of an official “penis” at birth) renders us incomplete or inadequate lovers.Reality check: These ciscentric narratives are all stories that have been passed around so many times, and so far back in history, that we have a hard time seeing them for the social constructions that they are. Indeed, we trans men can identify as queer, gay, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, heterosexual, or any other orientation under the sun.Welcome to City The safe, fun bisexual dating community for bisexual singles, bicurious singles and couples Whether you are looking for bisexual dating, or bicurious personals, City Bi is the bisexual social network for the bisexual dating community.
— is often considered a rite-of-passage for Western adulthood.
And we all know how that storyline plays out, at least in the movies, right?
Moreover, it’s totally acceptable and very common for trans men to either know we were born with a penis that simply doesn’t fit society’s definitions (for instance, the body part society commonly referred to as a “clitoris”), work towards having the penis we desire through surgical reconstruction, or feel complete with no parts we’d personally consider a penis.
Most trans men have experienced, at some point, other people perceiving them as “female.” I’ve found that within our patriarchal society, this assumption has often been accompanied by a damaging subtext: You are not in control of your own body or how others relate to it.
Since I identify as a transgender man, I’m going to center the rest of my thoughts on trans men here and hopefully open space for trans women to talk about their own gender-specific experiences.
From such a vantage point, I can honestly say: Most out trans boys, trans men, and trans masculine people I know receive inadequate, if not wholly non-existent, sex talks.
Before your first time, take a moment to identify where all those negative messages are coming from, and remind yourself that they are often rooted in the stigma and lack of knowledge that surround trans people in mainstream culture.
They have very little do with real flesh-and-blood trans men and very much to do with society’s preoccupation with gender norms, heterosexuality, white dominance, and phallocentrism.
Further, having a penis, some believe, justifies men satisfying their sexual desires in whatever ways possible, even sometimes through coercion or force.