"As euphoric as the post-coital period can be, that miserable buzzkill hormone prolactin is waiting in the wings to bring you down from that high.
You will also need to explain to your partner that you’re off to the gym and not settling down for cuddles, so good luck with that one. In movies it always look very glamorous, but movies are movies and your bedroom is not. For a fuller experience, draw them even nearer and try to remain perfectly still as their hair burrows into your nostrils and gives you that scratchy grass pollen thrill, their heartbeat thudding against your own. In no way will your brain be fizzling like a glass of Coca-Cola on top of a tumble dryer. Maybe keep it light, avoiding any big pronouncements. One subject suited to a post-nut glow is your dreams and aspirations – the perfect licence to talk yourself up.
In real life, with post-coital smoking comes many passion-killers: cigarette burns on bed linen; overflowing ashtrays on the nightstand; nicotine breath; trails of ash across your chest like the Eyjafjallajökull volcano. Keep your ideas big, the method of achievement vague and the tone aspirational.
An hour-long one-star-rating diatribe about how terrible it was won’t go down well – and will directly result in nobody in the vicinity going down on scientists, that is, of course.
Hormones such as prolactin and oxytocin get the blame, along with the bold claim men's brains actually reboot during orgasm, but the trouble is, no matter how hardwired into your biology falling asleep after sex is, you should try to stay awake.
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There’s a whole industry devoted to telling you how to be better in bed – instruction manuals, videos, well-meaning sex gurus and counsellors who seem to think lube and sensual massage is the answer to everything.
Don’t be afraid to say what you liked, or would like to try next time.
Tread carefully, obviously; don’t go full-on “disgruntled holidaymaker on Trip Advisor” on their ass.
Assuming you’ve done a decent job, it’s said partners who are more likely to be willing to do stuff for you – or agree to your ideas – in those cosy few moments.
Keep it realistic, though; now is not the time to float the idea of trading in the children for a Maserati.
Eating together afterward is a bonding experience; you can sit together mutually contented, enjoying another sensory satisfaction without having to make much effort.